Well, I know I’ve been MIA (no Dolphins) but I’m back. It’s a little late but I’ve finally managed to put last week’s recap together to post before the new year. Enjoy!
- Niners continued to get their butts kicked when they entered my hometown to play my Bolts. Thanks for giving us another win, San Fran, the less work we have to do the better. [Insert wildly forceful pelvic thrust here]
- Background story: I got food poisoning Saturday night and spent most of Sunday in a coma on my parent’s couch. I managed to sleep through my mother’s yells at the TV, clearly unhappy with how the game was going (she’s a Vick stan). When I finally regained consciousness, I assumed the game was over when I saw that the Eagles were 21pt behind in the 4th quarter. Then the unthinkable happened: Mike $(^%ing Vick. Talk about going hard in the MFing paint. S.M.D.H! I could NOT believe my eyes. Hell, I still don’t! There’s NO reason for one man to throw for 2 TDs and run for 1 in the last 7min of a game to tie the score. ON TOP OF THAT you have DeSean Jackson’s 65yd punt return for a TD in the last few milliseconds to WIN the game. New Miracle at the New Meadowlands INDEED!!!!!
- This game just provides one more (of MANY) reasons why (a) they say “it ain’t over til it’s over” and (b) the NFL>>>>NBA. This can’t be argued because you would be WRONG. #truth
- Sidenote: DeSean, while clearly a beast, needs to learn some discipline. His little endzone stunts aren’t cute when you consider how, in the past, they’ve cost him badly. Why risk it? Just do your damn job and leave the horse play to Zenyatta. #Ninjas
- Not even Eli Manning could get any respect or attention after the game. Nobody was checkin for him or the rest of the team that got BAMBOOZLED! Mmph mmph mmph #clowned
- @MrRefinement: 28 points in 7 min. Giants don’t even need to be in the playoffs. I’m dead serious. U can’t even do that in madden.
- And the Bills do it again (!!!), getting their 4th win in 6 games over the Dolphins. I’m so proud! *tear*
- In other news, the Dolphins still haven’t quite figured out how to win at home. How are you 6-1 on the road but 1-6 at home? It’s just disrespectful to the fans is what it is.
- Titans and Texans go head to head again after only 3wks. Titans won this go-round. But sadly, there was no toe-to-toe, impromptu fights of note. Damn.
- My boo Peyton managed to lead the Colts in a 34-24 victory over the Jags with 2 TDs and NO INTs!! *jumps for joy* My boo is really back!!!
- Colts managed to hold Maurice Drews-Jones to only 46yds. Quite a feat!
- Fun fact: Jags have never won 2 consecutive games against the Colts.
- The DEE-troit Lions beat the Tampa Bay Bucs in OT. Nope, we weren’t misreading the score updates on our screens. Our eyes were not playing tricks on us. Dee-troit’s 4th win at the end of the season was against a WINNING team.
- The Bucs—who are NOT the best team in the NFC, btw, Raheem—allowed the Lions to break their 26-road game losing streak, the longest in NFL history. WOW! Waytago, Busters Buccaneers. *smdh*
- For all the jokes I had about Rex Grossman the last time he showed his face on the field, I was not prepared for him to throw 4 TDs, and bring the Redskins close to beating the Cowboys. Especially when the Skins were down 27-7 in Q3. Excuuuuuuuuuse me, Rexy.
- But, in true Rex Grossman fashion, he blew the end of the game by throwing an INT. *shrugs* That’s the Rex we expected….
- As for Donovan…. *sigh* I can’t feel sorry for a man who won’t stand up for himself and grow a set. How can he claim to feel disrespected by Mike Shanahan and the Skins org but not want to leave? Donovan, I just…. can’t with you. *smdh*
- Purple Pigeons got a HUGE win over SB champs Saints by breaking their 6 game winning streak.
- The Cool Brees just wasn’t enough for Waka Flacco and his squad. #Womp
- The Panthers won their 2nd game of the season. I repeat, Panthers won their 2nd game of the season. Who the hell woulda thunk it?!?! Not I.
- Panther’s QB Clausen got his 1st win in 8 starts by throwing his 2nd TD pass of the season. Second. WOW! Congrats, kid.
- So uhhhh Cards, as is customary around here, you know I GOTTA ask…. how does it feeeeeel? #Embarrassing (I’m sure)
- The Bengals won another game. But it was no thanks to Ochocinco (2 catches, 36yds) or Carson Palmer (no TDs). Cleveland, yall really dropped the ball (pun potentially intended) on that game *smh*
- Atlanta’s 8th straight win over Seattle allowed the Falcons to be the first team in the NFC to clinch a spot in the playoffs. Dirty Birds flyin’ high on the rise!
- The lead up to this Jets/Steelers game was great. Even though I was going to be in SD, my labmates and I prepped by having a Nacho/Dilfer/[fill in random noun] fest and reading Nacho/Rex/Big Ben funnies by KissingSuzyKolber.com. The guys had even planned to host a Nacho Bowl to watch the Jets/Steelers game while eating actual nachos and talking smack! Welp…. somewhere, my Steeler-fan labmate is still crying a river over his stale nachos. Oops L
- Well, Nacho may be a mediocre QB (against Pitt he only threw for 170yds and no TDs), he didn’t throw any INTs and led the Jets over the Steelers.
- In other news, we will be replacing Nacho/Dilfer/Chimpanzee with Nacho/Dilfer/Baked Potato this week. Correctly guess who the following statement applies to: I am better with sour cream. (answer below)
- Though Tom Brady only threw for 163yds and TDs, he led the Patriots into a 31-27 victory over the Packers.
- Not for nothing, Matt Flynn held his own in place of concussed QB A-Rodge, throwing for 251yds and 3 TDs, his first in the league. Congrats, Matt!! Next time, don’t give up the ball in the red zone and your team just might beat the likes of those MFing Patriots, K?
- Did you SEE that 71yd kick return by Pats’ 313lb Dan Connolly? O. M. G! Longest kick return by a lineman—fat man CAN run, apparently. #WhoKnew?
- Thanks to awesome fans who volunteered to clean up the deserted University of Minnesota football stadium, the Vikings got to lose their last home game at a home away from home (Metrodome) against the Bears.
- Short of death, there really isn’t anything that would have kept Lorenzo “Wrangler Jean Wearing” Favre from starting this game (not even a sprained shoulder). A head injury in the 2nd quarter put his “old, cold and in pain” (the commentators roasted the HELL outta The Four with that comment *smh*) a$s back on the sideline where he belonged. #Saddown
- Word to the wise: Don’t kick to Devin Hester. Ever.
- Twitter buzz:
Yours Truly (and Outrageously),
~Gemmers the Slacker
Nacho/Dilfer/Baked Potato Answer:
Another trick question! BOTH Nacho and the Baked Potato are better with sour cream J
Quick aside: Though today’s post is completely based on this week’s NFL games, I wanted to announce that today is HAPPY BLACK GIRL DAY!! And since there’s a strong correlation between black folk and sports (#stereotypesFTW), I’d be remissed if I didn’t wish all the Black Girls reading a #HBGD!!! If you’re a Black Girl or you simply know one, give her a hug and tell her SHE ROCKS! Now, back to your regularly scheduled recap…
I’m still in a bad football mood (mourning the losses of my Bolts and my boo) so let’s go ahead and get this over with? That’s what she said…
- Though Ron Mexico Mike Vick threw his 2nd INT this season, he lead the Eagles in a hard fought fight to take the N. Mexicans Texans down.
- Meanwhile, Andre “3000 Jabs” Johnson showed no obvious signs of starting his next impromptu UFC fight. Or maybe he hasn’t yet been assigned his next sparring partner? Either way, #bummer
- Even with black-up QBlack Tavaris Jackson on the field throwing 3 INTs, and RB Adrian Peterson running on a sprained ankle (I could barely walked on mine *smh*), the Vikings had no trouble crushing the Bills.
- Apparently what I want for the Bills (read: Wins) is not what the Bills want for themselves. *sigh* Destiny’s Child Bills Bills Bills > Buffalo Bills
- Ohhh the IRONY of Leslie Frazier being Vikes’ interim head coach when earlier this year he interviewed for the Bills’ head coach. Buffalo, any regrets picking Gailey? Inquiring minds and sh*t…
- The Browns beat the Dolphins for the first time in 30 years!!! (O_O) Wowsers
- Sidenote: Is it just me who is secretly rooting for Cleveland sports to have a good season purely to make up for The Decision? No? Ok…
- In other news, Miami has decided they have no desire to win more than ONE home game this season. Who needs home field advantage?
- And how about Miami’s kicker Dan Carpenter putting all kickers to shame (shame I tell you) with his 60yd FG!!! He takes his job seriously. #KickersTakeNote
- Jags defeated the Titans in an AFC South showdown.
- I’m shocked that Old Man Collins wasn’t able to lead the Titans to a victory. *snaps fingers* Shucks. (-_-)
- Drew Brees and the WhoDat clan managed to get their 5th consecutive win over the Bengals who were clawing their way to a potential victory.
- The Bungles came this à||ß close to getting their 3rd win but they totally BLEW IT (no pun intended) and got suckered by the oldest trick in the book. Does the saying “gotcha, b*tch” mean anything to you? *throws hands up in defeat* Cincy, have you no dignity?!
- In Part 1 of the Dismal and Embarrassingly Mediocre AFC West War, the Chefs beat the Broncos. Surprise, surprise.
- Too bad Josh McDaniels got fired before Mike Singletary. Joshie was a hawtie—history of cheating and horrid coaching (only 5 wins dude?!) be damned.
- Thanks to 6 turnovers (sadly not of the apple variety), the Redskins got a brutal tail whippin from the Giants in the NFC East Encounter.
- Dear Shanahan, stop all the Haynesworth hateration! Why won’t you let him be great and hungover!? You have to find a better way to do damage control with your darkies divas. *shrugs*
- Why does the #shawtbusshawty Manning get to enjoy all of the Dubs even after a pedestrian performance?! It’s not fair!! *folds arms and pouts*
- In the NFC North we witnessed how Chi City stay winning (minus the likes of Kelz) while Deeetroit stay losing. *smdh*
- For as many jokes as I have about Dee Lions, they are definitely one of the most underrated teams in the league who just can’t catch a break. Poor kitties L
- Sidenote: Lions be like, Drew, can you teach us how to dougie? You know why? Cuz all we know is losing. #boom
- Though it took half the game, GB finally laid the smack down on San Fran thanks to the People’s Champ A-Rodge throwing for 298yds and 3 TDs.
- GB, seriously, did you have to retinally assault us with those fugly unis?! What did America ever do to you?
- On another note, can anybody explain to me why Mike Singletary is still collecting a paycheck? How many other ninjas are able to have a horrible performance review and not see a pink slip? #thingsthatmakeyougohmmmm
- *heavy, disgusted sigh* In Part 2 of the Dismal and Embarrassingly Mediocre AFC West War, the Bolts lose to the Raiders AGAIN this season for their 1st sweep since 2001. *eye roll* THE RAIDERS, DOE?! AT HOME?! COME ON!!
- I guess it’s easy for the Shawgers to get distracted, make amateur mistakes, and blow an 18-straight December winning streak when they’re too busy buying their own hype. Typical. 6-1-9, yall should be shamed! Might as well just hand over your playoffs hopes on a silver platter if you’re not going to take this seriously…
- Bro’s txts:
- “how u gon go to indy and slap peyton’s squad around, then hoe up at home against the raiders?”
- “i’m reminded of a song by Too $hort: ‘can i get a biiiiaaaatch. can i get a biiiiaaatch. say biatch… say biatch biatch biatch…’ my boys hoed so bad they should be the broadway and e street chargers”
- Tampa Bay had a chance to shake it fast show us what they’re working with (counted wins, presumably) in the NFC South Scuffle against the division’s top dog (or bird in this case) ATL but failed. Heartbreaking, I know.
- Perhaps it was the sherbert unis that are to blame by inducing thoughts of dessert time rather than stomp-these-dirty-bird-mofos time.
- The motherfrikkin Cowgirls took down my boo Peyton and the Colts!! What in football gods green football field-filled earth is going on here?! The sky is falling, right? Right?!
- Peyton, 4 more picks, babe? You’re becoming your opponent’s best chance at scoring! Tell me what we need to do to overturn this SB loser curse so we can get you back to normal. I’m desperate to right this wrong—I will not stand for any more humiliation!
- St. Louis went to Arizona for the NFC West Wrestling Match and said “batter up” as they made their way up to the big [NF]leagues. #RamminAllYouHoes
- It’s amazing to think that with the Rams’ 6 wins (equaling their total combined wins for the previous 3 seasons) they are leading their division and could likely appear in the playoffs. Wow, dreams really do come true, kids.
- After giving it the good ol college try in the first half (leading by 11), the Panthers got shut out in the second half, falling to a Seahawks victory.
- I don’t think there’s anything short of killing off every team in the league that could revive Carolina. Not even Petey Pablo’s encouraging “Raise Up” state anthem. *shrugs*
- Award for most exciting game of the week up until the very last horrendously anti-climatic second goes to the Stillers defeating their division rivals, the Purple Pigeons, in the AFC North Knock Down Drag Out. #whatagame!
- 3 words: Woodley and Polamalu. These guys showed Baltimore how to make Waka Flacco’s flames go flaccid defense wins games. Well done, boys!
- Sidenote: I maintain that Big Ben’s poor and risky decision makes him one helluva QB—not even a broken nose and bandaged foot could stop him from getting the job done. The man knows how to overcome adversity.
- Though the Jets vs Patriots was hyped up to be an AFC East Extravaganza, the meeting was more like the AFC East Execution of the team formerly known as the New York Jets. *facepalm*
- What the incredible, Ugg wearing, hair flipping Tom Bieber did to Rex’s squad was just unthinkable. Tom’s 4 TDs and 326yds allowed him to not only surpass Favre in number of consecutive home wins, but to take the Pats to the #1 spot in the AFC.
- Dear Rex, you and Nacho need to sit in timeout on the deserted Revis Island and think about how uncomfortable you made us all feel for having to watch you guys get Dilferized sodomized.
- Speaking of mediocre QBs, time another addition of Nacho/Dilfer/Chimpanzee: I have thrown more INTs than TDs. Who makes this statement true? (answer below)
- @The_Fliz: Antonio Cromartie must think Deion Branch is one of his kids, cause he ain’t staying with him.
- @sportsguy33 Can someone put the clip of Tomlinson celebrating after his only 1st down tonight on You Tube? I want to watch it 30x tonight.
- @JigSawJazz Sir Sanchez of New Amsterdam You play unskilfully. Thou loathed issue of thy father’s loins! #KGTrashTalk
That’s all I got. Did I miss anything noteworthy? Any bets on whether or not Joshie will be the last coach to be fired this season? Are there any Kenyattas in race, waiting to come up from the rear (pause) to take the lead and make the playoffs?
Yours Truly (and Outrageously)
~Gemmie, Of the Ocean… University
Trick question! Both Nacho AND Dilfer have more INTs than they do TDs. The # of TDs and INTs of a chimp are still TBD…
What a great week for football, huh guys?!?! You all KNOW I’m in a good mood, especially since this post is completed ON TIME!!! Won’t bore you with a long intro, but be warned–if you’re sensitive or easily offended, it’s time to stop reading. I’ve been badly influenced to go for raw and uncut this week. And since I buckle to peer pressure, I’m going for it (kinda).
As something new to spice things up, we here at BWE—and by “we” I mean friends who join me in the fun of poking fun at the NFL happenings from week to week– are introducing a new segment to the weekly recap. We’re calling it, “Dilfer, Nacho or Chimpanzee”. The rules are simple: We’ll give you an interesting fact or statistic and you tell us if said nugget of knowledge is referring to highly touted Jets QB Mark “Nacho” Sanchez, not at all touted former Ravens SB champ QB Trent Dilfer, or a chimpanzee (since it appears each are equally well equipped to be an NFL quarterback). Disagree? Prove us wrong. Offended? Eh. Go save a pit bull. So… Let the recap, and games, begin!
- Though off to a surprisingly slow start in the first half, the Pats remembered they were playing the De Lions and sealed the win with a winning second half performance (4 TDs) by Tom Beiber
- As an aside, it appears that a new species of running back has evolved in Danny Woodhead—small, white and nerdy. (o_O) Who knew?
- Dallas blew a chance to get their 3rd straight win under new coach Jason Garrett, but in the second half the SB champs walked away with the Dub.
- For the sake of legitimizing my hate for them, I hope the Cowgirls don’t get comfortable with losing again since that’s what they’ve done best this season.
- Once again, Nacho gets the “Golden Burrito Award” for having a mediocre game (166yds, 1 TD, 1 INT) and still leading the Jets to victory against the Tiggers Bengals, tying for #1 in the AFC.
- Speaking of Nacho… time for the inaugural questions for “Dilfer, Nacho, or Chimpanzee” (answers below): 1) I have thrown the same number of touchdowns as interceptions. 2) I have a career passer rating of 70.2. 3) I eat bananas.
- Dear TO, how was your trip to Revis Island? Musta been pretty average since the only souvenirs you managed to smuggle back were 3 catches and 17yds. Bummer. Btw, trash talk is usually best served when you actually back it up. From now on just… STFU. Mmkay?
- Meanwhile, Jet’s WR Brad Smith hustled real hard (hustled hustled real hard), wearing many athletic hats and only one shoe, to find his way to the endzone. TO, take notes.
- Cleveland squeaked out a win over Carolina. Kicker Kasey (<–alliteration folks) ruined his team’s chance to get their 2nd win. #DoNotLetYourSonsBeKickers
- Meanwhile, Browns’ RB Peyton Hills was stomping on the hopes and dreams of Carolina’s defense at every turn, appearing to be turning into the new Larry Csonka—and I don’t mean just big and white—as well as the new most impressive Peyton in the league L
- I happily take credit for the Dirty Birds’ win over the Packers. Had I not graced ATL with my presence for the holiday, they might have effed up their chances at sole possession of 1st place in the NFC. So, ATL, you’re welcome. #thankmenow
- The Giants over the Jags enabled at least one Manning brother (the Dweeb) to get a win this week. #womp
- Who knew the mediocre Texans battling it out to break their 4-game losing streak by shutting out the mediocre, Young-less Titans wouldn’t be the exciting news from this game? (o_O)
- Instead, it was the impromptu UFC battle that broke out on the field when Tennesee’s Cortland “Pauly D Hair” Finnegan got his face fist-pumped by Houston’s Andre “3000 Jabs” Johnson. “You ever go night night n*gga?!”
- Perhaps Cortland should text an apology to Andre and sweep this whole thing under the rug that is his hair. *shrugs*
- Meanwhile, Titan’s offensive coach Mike Heimerdinger left the team to undergo chemo for his cancer. If I were KG, this is where I would make a wildly inappropriate and offensive joke. Like, “your offense got shut down like cancer did your health” or “your offense scored as many points as the number of hairs on your head after chemo.” But I’m not KG, so I’ll refrain from being politically incorrect. #rude
- Once again, Pittsburgh almost lost in a close tug of war with Buffalo. In the end, Big Ben and the Stillers prevailed.
- Ohhhh Stevie Johnson… Why so serious, you ask? I guess because it’s seriously hard to catch the ball when the game is on the line and you can’t help but wonder why God gave you the eyesight of Anne Frank Stevie Wonder. *shrugs*
- All jokes aside, I feel bad for the kid and his team. Y’all know I’ve been low key cheering for the Bills ALL season.They fought a hard fight, taking another top team into OT. Kudos to them.
- Minnesota’s win over Washington proved once again that firing a coach midseason ensures a win for the new coach’s debut. If the formula holds true, they’ll win Wk 13, lose Wk 14.
- BREAKING NEWS: The Four had ZERO INTs in this game. #winning
- Award for “Best Back-Handed Compliment of the Week” goes to Vike’s RB Adrian Peterson for saying Grampy Favre looked young, like he was 38, on his run for 1st down on 3rd-and-8 . (o_O) I’m sorry what? LMAO
- And Oakland with another loss to Miami! One down, one to go!
- KC got the win that has them at the top of the AFC West over the Sea-riously-sorry-hawks.
- Cassel, you may have played like a Top Chef champ with 233yds and 4 TDs this round, but Rivers and my squad are coming for that a$s in 2wks! Just you wait….
- Baltimore’s win over Tampa laid to rest any speculation about whether or not the Bucs were the best team in the NFC, who are now 3rd in their division.
- Meanwhile, Bucs’ CB Aqib Talib lashed out by cursing out officials because he “played like $%&#”. #classy
- Sidenote: The Purple Pigeons are 5-0 at home this season. Stillers, watch out—you might end up in boarded up row houses when you go to visit next week. I know because I watch “The Wire”. #YouveBeenWarned
- Rookie QB Sam Bradford led the Rams to a win over the Broncos.
- Josh McDaniels—question: what on earth possessed you to illegally videotaped the likes of the 9ers?! WDDDA?! What were you going to learn from the film besides how to lose? You should be fired for not knowing how to cheat properly. You make really poor life decisions #FYL
- Kanye (album dropped) and Minister Farrakelz R. Kels (Soul Train Awards performance) weren’t the only ones repping hard for Chi City this past week—Da Bears declared victory over the Eagles!!!!! Da Bears are soooo fa real!!! #ChicagoStandUp
- Philly fans, gotta ask….. how does it feeeeeel?
- In other news, Mike Vick threw his 1st INT in 4 yrs, yikes!!!! Looks like Vick might be back to his old ways. Somebody go check the kennels… #TooSoon?
- The Bolts assaulting the Colts was foreshadowed when Dungy picked SD over his former team. It was meant to be!
- Let it be known how difficult it was to temporarily break allegiance to my boo, Peyton. But my Bolts livelihood (read: playoff dreams) was on the line! Like my brother said, “not tonight. its war. somebody got to die. its gonna be him tonight… eff him & his brother. no remorse… he’s the enemy and i hope he gets his cap peeled straight the eff back”
- So….. LET THE PELVIC THRUSTING CONTINUE!!! *thrusts pelvis like I was Big Ben in a bar bathroom*
- Timeout from thrusting: Boo—4 picks, doe? Did you switch bodies with Favre? You can come back now!! I hate to see you like this L
- @K_Rob16: San Diego just has the blueprint when it comes to Peyton Manning @GemoftheOcean is somewhere very happy
- @TechAficionado: San diego is giving the colts the business with no O touchdowns. Wtf
- @GemoftheOcean HIS BOO’S TEAM!!!! MINE #BOLTS… RT @St_Escobar: WHAT TEAM IS PEYTON MANNING PLAYING FOR TONIGHT!!!!!!!!
- Might as well name the 9ers over the Cards game the “I’d Rather… Bowl” because, I think I speak for all football fans when I say, I’d rather do pushups in salt water be shot in the face and let live be anywhere doing anything rather than watch this poor performance of athleticism peddled as MNF *smdh*
So, my dear readers, what say you? Did I miss anything? Any bets on who’s going to get fired first—Mike Singletary (9ers) or Josh McDaniels (Broncos)? Inquiring minds and sh*t….
Your Truly (and Outrageously)
~Gemmie, The Pelvic Thruster
“Dilfer, Nacho, Chimpanzee” Trivia Answer Key:
1) Nacho; 2) Dilfer; 3) Chimpanzee
The downside to writing/posting my recaps so late in the week is that the next week of football has already started and I get confused *smh*. That said, #iNFLception has been curbed and the games are becoming a bit more predictable (not withstanding injuries sustained during games that changes the outcome). On the flip side, as has been said by many commentators before, there are NO dominant powerhouse teams this season. Now there are teams that have worked hard to suck and never come out of last place, but there are no teams that are heads above the rest. This disappoints me *smh*
This week isn’t as full of wit and humor. Sorry. Blame it on the alcohol my cold, sprained ankle, and Thanksgiving coma.
- Miami was back to losing at home (what they know how to do best) with an embarrassing shutout by Da Bears *smdh*
- Perhaps Da Bears are Fa Real, and stepping it up to prove all the Care Bears >>> Da Bears naysayers wrong . It just could happen, folks. #hideyakids #hideyawife
- Let’s be honest—as well as the Raiders have been playing lately, they stood no chance in hades against the Stillers. The Burgh sure showed Oak-town that gold >>> silver.
- Meanwhile, Big Ben didn’t throw a single INT (O_O) and Harrison continues to like to hurt people. Pit’s defense forced Campbell’s sorry tail out of the game. There’s no room for babies in a game for big boys.
- In other news, Pit’s offense are punks for letting Seymour just up and b*tch slap Big Ben. Sure, Ben may have invited him back to the locker room bathroom for some “private time” after the game but an open-handed slap?! I agree with Wilbon—eff a suspension, there’s no way dude shoulda walked off the field without a cleet up his arse. Period.
- Facebook status updates of a friend:
- “penalty on Roethlisberger 4 running 4 a 1st down and being a white quarterback on the 3rd Sunday of November 2010 (this is a new rule just created 2 minutes ago b4 the play started). half the distance 2 the goal line, automatic turnover 2 Oakland.”
- “Penalty on McFadden of the steelers 4 scaring Gradkowski in2 falling on the ground b4 he was hit. the Steelers will begin their next drive @ the locker room door.”
- “penalty 4 Isaac Redman, he looked like a runaway slave running 4 freedom and got the 1st down. He will give back the 1st down he stole from Oakland and will have his right foot removed……. oh, and automatic turnover.”
- As Nacho and San(An)tonio cemented their bond as a stellar last-minute-to-win-it pair in the league, the Jets beat the barely-holding-on N.Mexicans Texans.
- If the Jets to play “likely to blow a lead at any moment to teams they should beat” football, they’ll have a helluva time in the playoffs.
- P.S. Isn’t LT looking wonderful? I’m telling you, that stale, polluted NYC air is doing wonders for his health.
- P.P.S. I would DIE, just DIE (of glee) if LT got a SB ring. Leaving SD worked for Brees, and maybe that’s the key to getting to the Promised Land. #justatheory
- Just when you thought the Bengals had the W you in the bag, they reminded you why they’re called “The Bungles” and buckled at the thought of victory. Aaaaaand BILLS WITH A SECOND WIN!! *does the 2nd--to-last-place shuffle*
- Welp, what can I say besides toldjuhso?? #kanyeshrug
- For those of you who are slow, “Los Tigres” = the Bengals (who should more appropriately be called the Strays).
- And you’re right TO, yall are terrible. Turruhbo, even. *smdh*
- FIY-NA-LEE the damn Cowgirls win a home game in that expensive behind stadium!!! So what if it’s just over De Lions, let’s hear it for the home team!! *crickets & side-eyes*
- Anyway… I’ve been pondering a lot about Dallas lately and I have to get this off my chest: Yall are a bunch of marks!! All year you’ve been playing like doo-doo and NOW you wanna make some effort. I feel bad for your fans because you don’t deserve their love and respect. You busters make me sicker than usual. #ToHellWithThee
- Waka Flacco and the Purple Pigeon’s mighty defense unsurprisingly won the game for B-more over Carolina. All is right in the world. *sigh of relief*
- The Chefs made a comeback from last week’s loss to prevail over the Cards, who got their 5th consecutive loss. The Chefs continue to beat beatable teams, but are still just a mediocre Western team *shrugs*
- It took Vince Young (who ho’d up and acted like a lil b*tch, btw) to be taken out of the game for the Redskins to even have the opportunity to get a barely-made-it Dub over the Titans. McNabb had a decent game and regained some of the dignity he lost last week.
- Insult to [literal] injury? Tennessee fans were booing their own team. That’s just rude. Fair weather fans for that azz #womp
- @BlkSportsOnline McNabb is in to run the 2 min drill…I repeat McNabb is running the 2 min drill!!
- Though Garrard threw 3 INTs (yikes!), the Jags prevailed over the fight-for-their-life Browns.
- Hyphenated names never sounded particularly masculine to me (coming from someone whose school was full of professors with two last names) but that Jones-Drew sure is changing my perceptions.
- GB put a hurting on Minny AGAIN. Dayum. The People’s Champ, A Rodge, did his thing with 4TDs (4 more than The Four *smdh*) and no INTs (1 less than The Four).
- Dear Vikes, congrats on firing of Chilly. He was a weak link. You’re better off. And by “better off” I mean “still have no chance at making the playoffs but at least the team’s without a douche bag that no one respects.”
- Dear Grampy Favre, just…. sitcho old arse down. For the rest of your life. You’re done. Career over. #SeeYaNextLifetime
- Saints beat the Seahawks. The end.
- No, wait, there’s more. Saints’ passing defense allowed 386yds, the most they’ve allowed all season. Hmmmm. Getting a little soft, are we Nawlins? #noLilFavre
- Though Sam Bradford was having an awesome game as rookie QB, the Rams had little chance of fighting off a win for the Dirty Birds, who are very loosely holding on as the top team in the NFC South. ATL, NOLA and Tampa are comin for that a$s, beware.
- In the QBlack on QBlack Bowl, the 9 ers became the second team this week to get shut out and beat down (the black on black violence has got to stop ppl!) by the team that can’t count Bucs. However, unlike the Chi vs Mia game, this outcome came as no big surprise., I’m sure.
- P.S. Why is Ronde Barber still playing football? He needs to be doing his familial duty and showing his twin how to make better life decisions (o_O).
- Though my boo out played (by throwing for twice as many yards and twice as many TDs) Tom Beiber, he threw 3 INTs which undoubtedly cost the Colts the game. And undoubtedly prompted numerous showings of the Manning Face. Oh Peyton, woo woo woo, woo woo woo. It’s no you, it’s them.
- While Brady and the Pats are on fire and have a good chance of clawing their way to an SB appearance, I have just one thing to say: F*ck the Patriots. Fin.
- After an embarrassing loss to the Cowboys last week, the Giants couldn’t quite muster their inner champion to redeem themselves over the Eagles.
- While Mike Vick wasn’t exactly like a “pit bull ready to be released from his cage” (lmao oh, DeSean) from Week 10, and had no TDs, he led his team to a victory that secured their 1st place spot in the NFC East.
- Meanwhile, Eli Manning still looks like a pre-pubescent dweeb who is just begging to be stuffed into a locker. After throwing those 3 INTs, he just might.
- Highlight of watching this SNF game? Watching ThatDamnAfrican squirm and cuss every time they showed highlights of what the Eagles did to his Skins, LOL.
- *picture me delivering a powerful pelvic thrust after each word* BOLTS, B*THCES! RIVERS, B*TCHES! SPROLES, B*TCHES!
- Why am I so fired up about a win over a team the Chargers SHOULD beat, you ask? Because they’re the Chargers, duh. And they were missing a star player, TE Gates. #letmebe #smallvictories
- Texts from my brother (@bighomielou) during the game:
- “shawgers on MNF! they really need to avoid hoeing up… tonight we have a no ho zone at qualcomm“\
- “dont get too geeked up yet. there is still time and potential for hoeation“
Hope everyone had a HAPPY REMEMBER THE RAPE & PILLAGE OF THE NATIVES TO STEAL THEIR LAND TURKEY DAY!!!! Enjoy and be thankful for a weekend full of family, food, and football :)
Yours Truly (& Outrageously),
What a week for football!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The shocking tales of #iNFLception continue to grow and make me question why anyone would ever doubt the superiority of the NFL to the NBA. Any. Given. Sunday. B*tch! Sidenote: I had to check the standings to make sure that the Bolts didn’t manage to get another L on their bye week (ya never know with those guys).
- The Dirty Birds take down the Purple Pigeons in the Winged and Unclean Bowl. ATL is still counting wins as they take over as the best team in the NFC. Why weren’t they this good when I was there?
- Dear Titans, how does it feel to take out 2 of the Dolphins QBs and STILL lose by over 10pts…. coming off a BYE WEEK?!
- Dear Randy, how does it feel to be inadequate and virtually unused by your new team?
- Dear Miami, how does it feel to get a bizarre yet triumphant win at home after a 5-home game losing streak?
- Just when I thought the Texans might be in it to win it (based on @miss_tlee’s tweets) and were prepared to take their team into OT, they got punk’d! Texan’s DB Quin spiking Garrad’s 50yd Hail Mary pass right into the Jag’s WR Thomas’s hands was priceless! #GotchaBitch!
- P.S. Quin—see what happens when you confuse a professional fball game with a heated volleyball match at your family’s 4th of July cookout? *smh*
- While Mark Sanchez is still an overrated QB (sorry Nacho, but its true), his pass to Santonio Holmes in the last 16sec of OT was a thing of beauty. Santonio is good for making great game-winning plays.
- Truth be told, for such a talented team whose coach has an I’ll-eat-you-for-dinner-cuz-my-belly-has-room attitude, there’s no good reason the Jets got taken into OT AGAIN by a lesser team. Jets—pick up a shake weight and go back to training camp. Oh, and fire Folk’s no kicking a$s.
- Buc’s Josh Freeman was yet another QBLack who led his team to victory this past Sunday against the banged up Panthers. The league’s youngest team is doing their thing!
- After the Favre’s career high in passing yds last week, he fell to exhaustion and old age as Chicago’s Jay Cutler outplayed him and led Da Bears to victory.
- Meanwhile, Chilly is still employed. Who does Lil Favre have to screw to get a respectable coach around here?
- Congrats to the Bills finally getting their first W!!!!!!!! So what if it’s just over De Lions?? A win is a win. I feel like they have a bright future ahead… (o_O) #wishfulthinking
- While T.O. is busy shouting out his haters and promoting his TOcho Show on twitter, the Bungles are continuing to suck all the balls he’s not catching. I think I speak for all higher-thinking mammals when I say T.O. needs to saddown and STFU focus less on ripping McNabb’s contract/MNF performance and focus on the sh*ttiness of his own QB and the 13pts the Colts scored on his 5 turnovers.
- To Peyton—what’s going on with you, boo? Nan TD for the 2nd time this season? If you need a shoulder to lean on… here’s my shoulder, you can lean on me.
- @BlkSportsOnline This might be shocking, but Carson Palmer threw another INT
- The sorry behind Broncos came out of nowhere for their highest scoring game in decades and beat the crap out of the counterfeit Chefs. Kyle Orton was so on fire with his career high of 4 TDs that allowed Tebow to make an appearance to play around on the field for fun.
- KC, look on the bright side—you are allowing my Bolts room to move up the ranks. So, I thank you!
- I’m unsure whether to take back what I said about the G-men last week for losing to a [then] 1-7 team or to commend the Cowgirls for their epic revival and shocking win over a literal NFC giant. Maybe the best thing to say is just… WOW!
- Jason Garrett must have built an altar to the football gods. Backup QB Kitna was playing like a champ and Dez Bryant, for once, wasn’t the only player giving it his all. They won’t make the playoffs but at least they’re showing signs of life.
- Disclaimer: I loathe the Cowlicks but them playing decently is a necessary evil. What fun is it to hate teams that stink and show NO sign of successful futures (see: Detroit Lions, Carolina Panthers)? That’s like saying “you fail at living” to patients on life support in the ICU. It may be true but it’s pointless and it’s rude.
- Seattle whooped up on Arizona—no real surprise there. With this win, the Seahawks, in true mediocre Western division form, are leading the NFC West at only 5-4—no real surprise there either.
- While I’m sure most people could care less about the Mediocrity Bowl featuring the Rams vs 9ers, you gotta love that Troy Smith is yet another QBLack having a winning week, getting the 9ers to their 3rd win (his 2nd as a starter) this season. #smallvictories
- Picture this: I’m in San Diego for a research conference with my lab and other colleagues from Pgh (including @ethiopianboy). I invite them all (~10) to my parents house to watch the SNF game since all but one (a damn Pats fan! o_O) are Steeler fans. Night started off rowdy with excitement and lots of sh*t talking. We’re eating, drinking, and being merry. Let’s just say that at the end of the night everyone left rather quietly. *smdh*
- All I can say about the game is… the Stillers (Big Ben especially) were out played and out coached. Apparently, Belichick rarely loses 2 games in a row, so… Pgh was bound to suffer the consequences of NE’s loss to the Browns last week. *shrugs*
- Tomlin—learn how to use timeouts (yall stink at this) and effectively execute 2min drills. Oh, and congrats on FINALLY getting rid of Jeff Reed, he’s turr-uh-bo!!!!
- What can be said about the E-A-G-L-E-S kicking the living daylights out of the Skins that hasn’t already been said? I mean… O_O yikes!
- Well… (1) It was a train wreck, just turr-uh-bo, but… I couldn’t stop watching. I don’t think I wanted to stop watching. I was fascinated. (2) Vick is amazing to watch. The brotha did his THING!! He was slaughtering slaying murdering playing in a very superior fashion to his weak opponents, much to their detriment. [#properKGtalk to avoid language of past "incidents" for Ron Mexico] (3) WHAT THE %#&$ WERE THESE COACHES THINKING?!?! The Eagles were demolishing the Skins yet both Vick AND McNabb are still in the game until the very end of Q4?! I can understand Vick going for stats/records, but he’s prone to injury—give him a damn break. And McNabb???? He’s not up to par to run a 2min drill when the team was actually in a position to win last week but all of a sudden he’s essential to a game they have no chance in hell at winning? #FOHBowl
- P.S. I can’t help but laugh AND shake my head at DeSean Jackson’s “too soon” comment about his team’s stunning performance. Foot, meet Mouth. #cmonson #ninjassaythedarnedestthings
- @GemoftheOcean anyone STILL upset about vicks transgressions needs to get over it. there are more serious crimes being committed against HUMANS worldwide (don’t even get me STARTED on ppl still bringing up Vick and the dogs, ugh!)
- @PeterGriffyJr: Every time Mike Vick scores a touchdown, a pitbull get its wings
- @Vandalyzm: Martin calling Tommy Washington Headskin > Washington Redskins
- @famrussell: God is CLEARLY not from DC
- @thetillshow No property value for DeAngelo. RT @edjames01: DeAngelo Hall island is in foreclosure
Did I miss anything? Does anyone think the Cowboys will continue to play as well as they did against NYG? Any predictions for who’ll show up in the Super Bowl?
Reporting from Sunny Charger Country,
~Gemmie, NFL Lover ▪ Profiler ▪ Ball-buster
I know I’m uber late on the posting this recap but I’ve been trying to get my research together to present at this little annual meeting for the Society for Neuroscience (estimated attendance? ~30,000). So, I’ve been quite preoccupied. Nonetheless…
I submit to you my observations, no matter how late–had to purge them from my mind! We’re more than halfway through the regular season and I’m still confused as to who is FA REAL and who is gunning for an Oscar in their performance to pretend to be contenders. And all this nonsense with the new hitting rules in combination with the no excessive celebration rules? The NFL might as well become a Taliban touch or flag football league. Prevents serious injuries AND entertainment. Win win, right? (o_O)
- I guess Raheem’s “best team in the NFC” despite actual evidence was no match for the Dirty Birds, the team with the best stats in the NFC South. Coming off their bye week, Atlanta appears to also be counting wins, beeyotch. “Oh, Raheem, you a smarty-art, n*gga, you a smarty-art n*gga, but let us ask ya this, let us ask ya this—can ya kick OUR a$s?!” Nope.
- Waka Flacco led the Purple Pigeons (with their 8th consecutive win at home) to victory over Henne-sey and the Footballing Flippers (breaking their 4-0 away record).
- Meanwhile, Miami’s Channing Crowder was so angry about being washed up the refs’ poor officiating that he made a confusing analogy by using a famous name who he apparently knows nothing about and was wildly inappropriate to said analogy. Anne Frank, #doe?? Chile, STFU or read a book.
- So… the Bills lost. AGAIN. In another close game. Yikes. And to Da Bears. I don’t know what makes scratch my head more—Buffalo being a tough team that can’t pull off a W (worst start in 26yrs!) or that Chicago has more wins than loses. Something just isn’t right *smh*
- The SB champs blew the backs out of the Panthers and their turr-bo (© Charles Barkely) offense. Only 47yds, Clausen? I think my 11yo nephew threw for more than that in his backyard touch game last weekend.
- At the probing of Tom’s luscious locks, the Browns slapped the Pats around and called them Susan (“some one should help that lady”). While this is pretty embarrassing for the Pats, people are sleeping on the Browns when really (IMHO) they are actually a much better team than they pretend to be.
- Or perhaps…. with the simplicity and ambiguity of Cleveland’s uniform/logo, they’re doomed to a life of middle-of-the-road at best.
- These last few weeks the Jets have been fervently trying to prove that they are one of the most overrated, potentially fraudulent teams in the league. Almost losing to De Lions?! WTF are you doing?! Instead of spending time dressing up as Goldilocks (aka twin bro Rob) and putting out bounties, Rex needs to figure out why De Losing-A$s Lions took his [now] 6-2 team into OT.
- Meanwhile, Ndamukong Suh is De Lions backup kicker? Kickers can’t seem to consistently succeed when kicking is their ONLY job, yet Detroit is incubating their backup kicking eggs in a defensive lineman’s plump basket? (o_O) #WDDDA?
- My squad squeaked out another win that they almost lost! It comes as no surprise that my boy Rivers threw 4 TDs against the league’s worst pass defense, even without an injured Gates. The real surprise? Seyi WhoDaF*ckAreYou Ajirotutu, b*tches.
- Text convo with my bro to highlight SD fans’ general hesitancy to give the Bolts praise… Him: shawgers1=bullshit. smdh. sorry ass larrys. Me: sorry indeed! but they won! Him: they still hoed... #kanyeshrug #StoryOfOurLives
- And so the angst between Chilly and Favre increases and the schism between Chilly and the rest of Minnesota grows! Now THIS is what I call daytime drama.
- Old Man Favre manages to remain alive while squirting out another win (with a career high of 446yds holla!) and saves Chilly’s job yet again, Chilly remains an ungrateful douche bag who is anti-hugging. Chilly, why do you hate love? And more importantly, why do you hate being employed? You should be hugging, kissing, and fellating the hell out of Favre.
- The Giants beat the Seahawks into submission. What else did you expect? G-Men are the muthafuggin NFC Monster.
- It’s hard to say whether or not the Chefs are falling from swindle grace or the Autumn Wind is actually becoming a legitimate football team. Either way, I need both teams to do what they usually do best—fail at life. #AFCWestRivals
- V is no longer for just Vendetta. V is now for VicKtorious. Mike Vick was back from his injury with a Vengeance and appears to be Vying to win America’s heart and a spot as the league’s #1 QB. I love my boo Peyton but Mike—you betta go boy! © Gina.
- Firing the sad and dejected Phillips isn’t enough to save Cow(ard)boys from their consistent downward spiral. The players need to find some dignity, pride, and heart and play ball as if they were getting paid to do so. As I see it, Jerry’s best option is to dress the guys up as girls to form a powder puff team stop micromanaging and hire a coach with BALLS.
- Sidenote: I’m in the process of writing a poem entitled, “For Cow(ard)Boys Who Have Considered Suicide When Getting Their A$s Kicked Wasn’t Enuf”
- Once again, Pitt got a lucky W in their Battle of Dysfunction against the Bungles. Soap highlights: “The Young and the Catchless” star Chad put in timeout for throwing tantrums on the field; “The Bold and Egotistical” star TO’s numbers were only eclipsed by his jealousy of whoever else was touching the ball when he wasn’t; and “As the Room Spins” star Reed fails at the one task he’s been assigned for the last 8yrs.
- Sidenote: Is it just me or did anyone else notice that Chad began the game with gold shoes and ended it wearing white shoes? Symbolic of his own decline from self proclaimed top 5 wide-out to the prepubescent assistant of a super hero? #kanyeshrug
Sorry there aren’t any tweets to enhance my commentary–they usually bring me so much joy. Haven’t had the chance to keep up with the twitterverse and I don’t have the patience to fish through the usual suspects’ timelines. Next week we’ll be back in business.
Yours Truly (and Outrageously).
Gemmie, Football Image Critic
1 “shawgers” is how one of my nephews used to pronounce “charger” and the now preferred pronunciation in my family.
I made some good picks in football this week. Apparently the picks I made in the mid-term elections didn’t pan out nearly as well *smh*. Can’t win em all, I suppose…
- Buffalo had yet another OT loss to high-ranked team. They’re apparently treating every game like a Super Bowl. They may be last in the league but they’re #1 in our hearts!! Or… not…
- @BlkSportsOnline Miss FGs galore at Arrowhead..no one wants to win this game
- The Rams beating the beatable Panthers still neither confirms nor denies their eligibility to be considered a legit football team. They have a decent record in a weak division and lest we forget they got mollywop’d by Dee Lions (yikes!). I’m not quite a believer. The jury is still out…
- While the Brits attending the Broncos/9ers game might have been impressed seeing a “football” score higher than 1 or 2 points, I’m sure they’d have much rather been eating fish & chips while watching Law & Order: UK on the telly than watch two D-list football teams play around in the grass.
- Things Mike Shanahan Should Have Done Instead of Benching Donovan McNabb:
- Asked himself, “Who the hell is Rex Grossman?”
- Considered trading Rex Grossman for Les Grossman.
- Started Tony Romo and Bob Sanders in his fantasy football league.
- Released PR statement admitting to being an active member of the KKK.
- Campaigned for Christine O’Donnell.
- Funded the production of Belly 3.
- Signed to Turquoise Jeep Records (home of hits “Lemme Smang It” and “Fried or Fertilized”).
- Sent pictures of his “skins” to Brett Favre.
- While Greg Jennings was out tricking and treating on Revis Island, Nacho was on the sideline planning which sugar skulls to use for his Dia de los Muertos ofrenda. I didn’t realize getting shut down and shut out was part of the School of Hard Knocks curriculum.
- Even with Miami playing at a low, Cincy can’t WIN *smh*. We haven’t seen Batman & Robin look this bad since… well… Batman & Robin (#shoutout to Warner Bros). I think TOcho is more likely to end up in the NFL’s 1st gay marriage than to lead the Bengals to victory.
- @edthesportsfan The Dolphins are literally trying to hand the Bengals this game. I don’t know if the Bengals even want to take it.
- Despite having the largest, most lavish stadium in the league, “America’s Team” (o_O) REFUSES to make Cowboys Stadium a locale of triumph and prosperity. I’m guessing losing is the price you pay to be elitist, America. Tsk tsk tsk.
- Not only am I ecstatic about the continual downfall of Dallas, but I’m thrilled the Jags’ Garrard did his thing with a near perfect passing rating–repping Black QBs well! #Rawr
- See what happens when the Bolts ditch the brown for the bunny to recharge?? WE FINALLY WIN ANOTHER GAME B*TCHES!!!!!!!!
- Fun fact: Not only did my Bolts win against a good team, they’ve been beating this team since 1993. Apparently, we’re the ONLY team Titans coach Fisher hasn’t beaten. In yo face, suckas! *doing excessive pelvic thrusts* #takethat #takethat
- Sidenote: I’m still debating on whether or not my loyalty best serves the Bolts by praying they have a losing season to ensure a Norv disappearance. Winning enough games to ensure a playoff appearance (thanks AFC West!) could mean trouble. Ugh, IDK! SMH. TBD.
- Bucs over Cards = lesson in Prof. Raheem Morris’s Mathematics Tomfoolery 101: “Stats are for losers, so you keep looking at stats and we’ll keep looking at wins.” Take away message is don’t believe the hype that the # of wins are stats! BTW, they’ve done studies ya know–60% of the time Raheem Morris is a complete moron EVERY time! #SexPantherUniversity
- Moss lost to former NE teammates. How apropos for introducing this episode of “When Randy Moss Gets Fired For Doing Randy Moss Sh*t”—watch as he expresses gushy nostalgia for NE promptly followed by getting the boot from MN for being the a$s-pain NE couldn’t tolerate either.
- While Chilly’s waste of a 3rd round draft pick was reckless as hell, its clear most teams are willing to risk losing a great receiver so they don’t have to deal with douchey ninja antics. Moss just needs a coach he can respect and will give him a reality check.
- As for the Favre getting laid out (after an impressive drive down the field), well… I think I speak for all grandparent-loving individuals when I say sometimes ya need to just sit ya old a$s down. Can’t be that old man in the club forever, Lorenzo—at some point you have to embrace bingo, shuffle board, rocking chairs, and pissing your pants like other senior citizens.
- Da Raiders are on a roll! Then again, did anyone really take the Seahawks seriously? Nonetheless, I think the Crypt Keeper (Al Davis) really DID say, “just WIN baby WIN!”
- The #BlackandGold defeated the #BlackandYellow. The current Champs defeated the former Champs. WhoDat defeated WhoDatInDaBathroom. Brees defeated Ben. Beignets defeated Pierogies.
- Sidenote: I was more impressed with the costumes and face paint of people in the stands than I was with what was happening on the field.
- @thetillshow What yall think Jeff Reed was drankin on? Cuz you KNOW he aint sober
- NO surprise Indy took down H-Town. You’d be insane to doubt Manning on a Monday night. The Mann would win MNF with no hands! #iStan4theMann
Yours Truly (and Outrageously)