Quick aside: Though today’s post is completely based on this week’s NFL games, I wanted to announce that today is HAPPY BLACK GIRL DAY!! And since there’s a strong correlation between black folk and sports (#stereotypesFTW), I’d be remissed if I didn’t wish all the Black Girls reading a #HBGD!!! If you’re a Black Girl or you simply know one, give her a hug and tell her SHE ROCKS! Now, back to your regularly scheduled recap…
I’m still in a bad football mood (mourning the losses of my Bolts and my boo) so let’s go ahead and get this over with? That’s what she said…
- Though Ron Mexico Mike Vick threw his 2nd INT this season, he lead the Eagles in a hard fought fight to take the N. Mexicans Texans down.
- Meanwhile, Andre “3000 Jabs” Johnson showed no obvious signs of starting his next impromptu UFC fight. Or maybe he hasn’t yet been assigned his next sparring partner? Either way, #bummer
- Even with black-up QBlack Tavaris Jackson on the field throwing 3 INTs, and RB Adrian Peterson running on a sprained ankle (I could barely walked on mine *smh*), the Vikings had no trouble crushing the Bills.
- Apparently what I want for the Bills (read: Wins) is not what the Bills want for themselves. *sigh* Destiny’s Child Bills Bills Bills > Buffalo Bills
- Ohhh the IRONY of Leslie Frazier being Vikes’ interim head coach when earlier this year he interviewed for the Bills’ head coach. Buffalo, any regrets picking Gailey? Inquiring minds and sh*t…
- The Browns beat the Dolphins for the first time in 30 years!!! (O_O) Wowsers
- Sidenote: Is it just me who is secretly rooting for Cleveland sports to have a good season purely to make up for The Decision? No? Ok…
- In other news, Miami has decided they have no desire to win more than ONE home game this season. Who needs home field advantage?
- And how about Miami’s kicker Dan Carpenter putting all kickers to shame (shame I tell you) with his 60yd FG!!! He takes his job seriously. #KickersTakeNote
- Jags defeated the Titans in an AFC South showdown.
- I’m shocked that Old Man Collins wasn’t able to lead the Titans to a victory. *snaps fingers* Shucks. (-_-)
- Drew Brees and the WhoDat clan managed to get their 5th consecutive win over the Bengals who were clawing their way to a potential victory.
- The Bungles came this à||ß close to getting their 3rd win but they totally BLEW IT (no pun intended) and got suckered by the oldest trick in the book. Does the saying “gotcha, b*tch” mean anything to you? *throws hands up in defeat* Cincy, have you no dignity?!
- In Part 1 of the Dismal and Embarrassingly Mediocre AFC West War, the Chefs beat the Broncos. Surprise, surprise.
- Too bad Josh McDaniels got fired before Mike Singletary. Joshie was a hawtie—history of cheating and horrid coaching (only 5 wins dude?!) be damned.
- Thanks to 6 turnovers (sadly not of the apple variety), the Redskins got a brutal tail whippin from the Giants in the NFC East Encounter.
- Dear Shanahan, stop all the Haynesworth hateration! Why won’t you let him be great and hungover!? You have to find a better way to do damage control with your darkies divas. *shrugs*
- Why does the #shawtbusshawty Manning get to enjoy all of the Dubs even after a pedestrian performance?! It’s not fair!! *folds arms and pouts*
- In the NFC North we witnessed how Chi City stay winning (minus the likes of Kelz) while Deeetroit stay losing. *smdh*
- For as many jokes as I have about Dee Lions, they are definitely one of the most underrated teams in the league who just can’t catch a break. Poor kitties L
- Sidenote: Lions be like, Drew, can you teach us how to dougie? You know why? Cuz all we know is losing. #boom
- Though it took half the game, GB finally laid the smack down on San Fran thanks to the People’s Champ A-Rodge throwing for 298yds and 3 TDs.
- GB, seriously, did you have to retinally assault us with those fugly unis?! What did America ever do to you?
- On another note, can anybody explain to me why Mike Singletary is still collecting a paycheck? How many other ninjas are able to have a horrible performance review and not see a pink slip? #thingsthatmakeyougohmmmm
- *heavy, disgusted sigh* In Part 2 of the Dismal and Embarrassingly Mediocre AFC West War, the Bolts lose to the Raiders AGAIN this season for their 1st sweep since 2001. *eye roll* THE RAIDERS, DOE?! AT HOME?! COME ON!!
- I guess it’s easy for the Shawgers to get distracted, make amateur mistakes, and blow an 18-straight December winning streak when they’re too busy buying their own hype. Typical. 6-1-9, yall should be shamed! Might as well just hand over your playoffs hopes on a silver platter if you’re not going to take this seriously…
- Bro’s txts:
- “how u gon go to indy and slap peyton’s squad around, then hoe up at home against the raiders?”
- “i’m reminded of a song by Too $hort: ‘can i get a biiiiaaaatch. can i get a biiiiaaatch. say biatch… say biatch biatch biatch…’ my boys hoed so bad they should be the broadway and e street chargers”
- Tampa Bay had a chance to shake it fast show us what they’re working with (counted wins, presumably) in the NFC South Scuffle against the division’s top dog (or bird in this case) ATL but failed. Heartbreaking, I know.
- Perhaps it was the sherbert unis that are to blame by inducing thoughts of dessert time rather than stomp-these-dirty-bird-mofos time.
- The motherfrikkin Cowgirls took down my boo Peyton and the Colts!! What in football gods green football field-filled earth is going on here?! The sky is falling, right? Right?!
- Peyton, 4 more picks, babe? You’re becoming your opponent’s best chance at scoring! Tell me what we need to do to overturn this SB loser curse so we can get you back to normal. I’m desperate to right this wrong—I will not stand for any more humiliation!
- St. Louis went to Arizona for the NFC West Wrestling Match and said “batter up” as they made their way up to the big [NF]leagues. #RamminAllYouHoes
- It’s amazing to think that with the Rams’ 6 wins (equaling their total combined wins for the previous 3 seasons) they are leading their division and could likely appear in the playoffs. Wow, dreams really do come true, kids.
- After giving it the good ol college try in the first half (leading by 11), the Panthers got shut out in the second half, falling to a Seahawks victory.
- I don’t think there’s anything short of killing off every team in the league that could revive Carolina. Not even Petey Pablo’s encouraging “Raise Up” state anthem. *shrugs*
- Award for most exciting game of the week up until the very last horrendously anti-climatic second goes to the Stillers defeating their division rivals, the Purple Pigeons, in the AFC North Knock Down Drag Out. #whatagame!
- 3 words: Woodley and Polamalu. These guys showed Baltimore how to make Waka Flacco’s flames go flaccid defense wins games. Well done, boys!
- Sidenote: I maintain that Big Ben’s poor and risky decision makes him one helluva QB—not even a broken nose and bandaged foot could stop him from getting the job done. The man knows how to overcome adversity.
- Though the Jets vs Patriots was hyped up to be an AFC East Extravaganza, the meeting was more like the AFC East Execution of the team formerly known as the New York Jets. *facepalm*
- What the incredible, Ugg wearing, hair flipping Tom Bieber did to Rex’s squad was just unthinkable. Tom’s 4 TDs and 326yds allowed him to not only surpass Favre in number of consecutive home wins, but to take the Pats to the #1 spot in the AFC.
- Dear Rex, you and Nacho need to sit in timeout on the deserted Revis Island and think about how uncomfortable you made us all feel for having to watch you guys get Dilferized sodomized.
- Speaking of mediocre QBs, time another addition of Nacho/Dilfer/Chimpanzee: I have thrown more INTs than TDs. Who makes this statement true? (answer below)
- @The_Fliz: Antonio Cromartie must think Deion Branch is one of his kids, cause he ain’t staying with him.
- @sportsguy33 Can someone put the clip of Tomlinson celebrating after his only 1st down tonight on You Tube? I want to watch it 30x tonight.
- @JigSawJazz Sir Sanchez of New Amsterdam You play unskilfully. Thou loathed issue of thy father’s loins! #KGTrashTalk
That’s all I got. Did I miss anything noteworthy? Any bets on whether or not Joshie will be the last coach to be fired this season? Are there any Kenyattas in race, waiting to come up from the rear (pause) to take the lead and make the playoffs?
Yours Truly (and Outrageously)
~Gemmie, Of the Ocean… University
Trick question! Both Nacho AND Dilfer have more INTs than they do TDs. The # of TDs and INTs of a chimp are still TBD…